[CHINESE NEW YEAR] REHAB POP: WHEN I WAS DONE DYING

[CHINESE NEW YEAR] REHAB POP: WHEN I WAS DONE DYING

[CHINESE NEW YEAR] REHAB POP: WHEN I WAS DONE DYING

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REHAB POP

is music you listen to when you’re done dying. It’s a genre I made up after spending 37 days in an Indian Ashram in Bangkok this year recovering from a suicide attempt. This list is that story. It’s a look at the head-swimming struggle it is to stand on your own two feet again after cancer, chemo, severe isolation 15k kilometres from everyone you know and the decision to start living, whatever that means. In celebration of Chinese New Year I count down 2016’s music that led me to that moment. Playlist can be found on Youtube. Photo credit, Hyperdecadence.
 


31 / 30 / 29 / 28

MAYBE I WAS BORN A SAINT
AND LOST IN NATURAL SELECTION
WHO KNOWS? I DON’T WANNA GO ON AND ON
HAVING THESE ONE ON ONES WITH MYSELF
I’M SICK OF BEING A SICKO
SICK OF SITTING ON THE SHELF




ALL I WANT IS TO BE HAPPY
FIND FRIENDS THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH
YOU WERE CLEARLY MEANT FOR MORE
THAN A LIFE LOST IN THE WAR


27 / 26 / 25 / 24

THERE’S A REASON PEOPLE DIE OUT HERE
I CAN’T KEEP LIVING THIS WAY
I’VE BEEN RUNNING SO LONG
THESE SHADOWS START TO FEEL LIKE HOME
OH, I KNOW IT’S BACKWARDS
WHAT AM I BECOMING?




I TRIED ALL MY TRICKS, I BROKE ALL NEW GROUND
AND IN THIS FINAL HOUR, LOOK WHAT I FOUND
I GOT THIS WHOLE DAMN THING
THE WRONG WAY AROUND
I FEEL LIKE I’M FINALLY HEADING HOME


23 / 22 / 21 / 20

YOU COULDN’T IMAGINE, UNTIL IT WAS DONE
CHANGING THE PAST, CHANGING THE NONE
AND SOMETHING WAS SAID
THAT COULD NEVER DEFINE
I KNOW IT WAS BAD, I KNOW I WAS MAD
AND SOMETHING CAME THROUGH
THAT COULD NEVER COMBINE




HANG ON TO YOURSELF
NO GOOD’LL COME FROM BEING UNTRUE
HANG ON TO YOUR HEART
LOSS IS PAIN BUT IT CAN SAVE YOU


19 / 18 / 17

STAY INSIDE WITH YOUR DOUBTS
IN THE QUEST OF WHAT IS
WORTHWHILE OR JUST TRITE
ON THE COUCH, HYPNOTIZED
IT’S A SMALL STEP FOR HUMANITY
A GIANT STEP FOR ME
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR KICK TO SET ME FREE



RUNNING AROUND
HOLD ME TILL YOU’RE GONE
SPINNING AROUND
SEE WHERE WE BELONG


16 / 15 / 14 / 13

LOVE DOESN’T LOVE YOU
YOUR HEART DOESN’T LOVE YOU, EITHER
UNTIL, TILL YOU, LOVE YOU
AND LEARN TO LOVE YOU
LEARN TO LOVE YOU




I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN DROWNING TOO LONG
I REGRET NOTHING, I WAS TOO YOUNG
NOW I LAY DOWN MY HEAD FOR THE END
IF MY FUTURE SHOULD RETURN, LET ME IN
(I WAS TOO YOUNG)


12 / 11 / 10 / 9

IT’S PRETTY NICE, PRETTY NICE
WHEN I’M OVERWHELMED, THE BITTER TASTE
MIXED WITH CHEMICALS
I KINDA LIKE, KINDA LIKE
HOW IT GIVES ME CHILLS, ME CHILLS




MAYBE I WANT TO GET LOST FOR A BIT
AND STAY DOWN HERE AWHILE
IT MIGHT BE OVER SOON


8 / 7 / 6 / 5

LONELY EYES AND A SAVE ME SMILE
I KNOW I COULD DIE TONIGHT
I WANNA TAKE YOU HOME BOY
COME WITH ME OUT IN THE LIGHT
LIVING AS SOMEBODY ELSE BOY
OPEN YOUR EYES
YOU GOTTA TRY BOY




[SOUNDS OF INFANT]
I CAN NEVER FORCE YOUR WAY
THE WAY YOU SPEAK ABOUT YOUR FACE
I KNOW THAT IT’S NOT MINE TO CHANGE
CHOOSE YOUR WORTH AND SAY SOMETHING


4  /  3

LOOKING AT THE STARS
LOOKING AT THE SUN
LIGHT’S STILL THE SAME
WHEN IT COMES TO WARM US
SOMETIMES THERE’S NO WORDS
BUT SILENCE IS STILL TALKING
WE LOOK SO STUPID FIRST
THEN WE START TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING


I LIKE CRASHING WAVES
BUT I WANT TO SEE THEM AT FIRST LIGHT
AFTER A LONG NIGHT
AND SEE THE SKY TAKE SHAPE
BUT I WANT TO SEE THE STARS BURN
AFTER I’VE HAD MY TURN
I’M (NOT) IN CONTROL


2

MOVE ON UP RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS
YOU WERE MY SAFE CARD
YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE GROUND
WHENEVER YOU SAID MY NAME
WOULD ALWAYS BE SOMETHING
IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE’VE SAID GOODBYE
WON’T YOU JUST HOLD ME ONE LAST TIME


1

I GOT A BIG DREAM, SMALL WORLD IN BETWEEN
ME AND EVERYTHING I CAN’T DO
NOT REALLY BAD DAY, JUST OKAY
I KINDA THINK YOU SUCKED
THE LIFE RIGHT OUT OF THE ROOM
I KNOW MOST LIKELY
HOW I USED TO BE A FRAIL
AND SILLY THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND
DON’T BE UNKIND
YOU’RE SO FAR BEHIND ME

 

BUT I CAN SEE SOMETHING MORE
THAN THE THINGS YOU TRY TO TAKE
NOW, YOU’VE MADE A MISTAKE
DON’T YOU CRY
IT IS MINE
IF I STARE INTO THE DARKNESS
I WON’T KNOW WHERE I AM
I HAVEN’T SEEN THE DAYLIGHT
SINCE I STARTED GIVING IN

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Kavi Senior Editor. Currently based in Bangkok. I review dark indietronica/pop with my signature style of delving into the sexuality, sensuality and emotionality of every song. If you'd like me to premiere your track, contact me at the email below or at soundcloud.com/discordbeing