What is it about a cool milky grey day that makes me think of you? I lay in bed wrap myself around me trying to emulate the sensation your arms around me used to create. It’s pointless. I can’t mimic the weight of them, the warmth of them, the safeness that they brought. Those times when it seemed like we managed the impossible, the cliche goal of freezing time, we’d done it.
So much is going on,
But you can always come around
Tell me, what’s wrong?
What’s wrong are the times when those arms, once warm and cradling, turned stone cold and restrictive, or non-existent. I’m not sure what was worse. The times they felt like pulsing traps was worse than any kind of stone or steel because I knew that if I pushed against them, hard, they could break. I didn’t want to break you though. Did I? I felt stuck but relished in my captivity. Did I want to run, did I want to bury myself deeper? I couldn’t face the answer so I twisted myself, curling up, deeper into you hoping that there I would find an answer, a different answer, and easier answer. Turn to me. I’m silently pleading. Open your mouth, just say the words I want to hear.
You say the world, it doesn’t fit with you.
Why don’t you talk to me for just a little while?
I can only try to make it right
You could have tried, but you didn’t. So, hell, at this point I’d settle for words I don’t want to hear. At least you’d be talking with me. At least then I could feel acknowledged, I could hold out hope for that faint whisper of “us” and what we used to be. But time goes on, silently plodding, in the way that it does, and things remain the same. All the while I lay there silently. Going through the motions, I begged for you to notice my silence, to question it, to understand it, but you never did. You were blind to my secret struggle. Was it intentional? I’ll never know. In the end I know I’m to blame, not in total, but in part. Maybe it would have been better, easier, harder to ignore if I had just stood my ground and shouted
GIMME ALL YOUR LOVE!