[DARK DANCE] XYLØ – America (Vasta Remix) + Astrid – 2AM (Shagabond Remix)

[DARK DANCE] XYLØ – America (Vasta Remix) + Astrid – 2AM (Shagabond Remix)

[DARK DANCE] XYLØ – America (Vasta Remix) + Astrid – 2AM (Shagabond Remix)



America, I’m never coming back. On a Delta flight to Tokyo, I paced my way up.down.around the sides of the body of the plane. Would have walked across tray tables like hands carrying me away from my seat. Locked myself in the bathroom instead. Over and over. Sitting upright in some fetal position. I’d crawl back to Row F Seat 12 and watch American Beauty. The banality of American suburbia’d infect me. Shopping for couches. Mowing the fucking lawn. In your nook, staring wistfully at city lights–your feelings swimming to the surface.

And I’d start to panic. Throw a glance at the map. My itinerary out of American airspace. I’m not scared of flying. On the contrary, a plane crash would have been relief. I was terrified. That something would bring me back. Back to the place I didn’t call home.

They say we can stay in America
You can be free in America
But I’m sick listening to everyone

I don’t know the exact moment I lost my freedom in America. Lost the ability to feel free. To feel loved. Connected. To the sidewalks. That I could dance with the feet that crossed them. All the fucking people. Any of the people. 2012, sometime. But it was one long metaphorical Bataan Death March to that year. My parents came there, to be safe. To escape a regime, that murdered people in the streets. America had a mythos to it. You could live. Your heart could fucking soar. But all I remember thinking, at 9, staring out over the Atlantic in New York, was goddamnit. Cut off from my world, it was a scythe to the soul. I blew on birthday candles for 18 years more. Every time, little pieces of me carried on the wind hitting those flames. I didn’t belong, I knew it. I always knew it.

2 in the morning, I can’t control it,
Lost in the moment, I just can’t get no sleep,
2 in the morning, everything’s frozen
I keep on falling and I just can’t get no sleep

And I walked the streets at 2am. Called it my midnight mode. I searched out for arms that would bind me to an American bed, forever. Lips that would shout the national anthem into my throat. A cock that would fill me with stars and stripes. But I was restless. So I’d roll out those arms. Fall from a bed, a love from whatever height. Crack my skull on the floor without fear. I’d tape my lips shut, in protest. Scream back to prevent your kiss.

Over time, traumas tacked onto my legs. Kept building up on my shins. Until I was frozen. Family, gone. Illness, near fatal. Financial Ruin, Wall Street went kaboom. Those days, I had no reason to be there. Almost to live. Some days, I thought I’d hang myself on the crown of the Statue of Liberty. A darkness kept swirling in my heart. And I’d twirl it around the necks of as many men as I could find. Pull them closer, feel their breath on my neck. Shun them. Every one of them.

America was my parent’s escape. It was my prison. The Delta flight my way out. I just wanted to make it to Narita International Airport. And then I could breathe.


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Kavi Senior Editor. Currently based in Bangkok. I review dark indietronica/pop with my signature style of delving into the sexuality, sensuality and emotionality of every song. If you'd like me to premiere your track, contact me at the email below or at soundcloud.com/discordbeing