I recently realized I’m lost. And I love it.  Well, love it is the wrong term. I don’t know if how SPEAK puts it, those circles of studied sleeplessness are heaven or hell; but when its all you’ve got, when there’s no swimming back to shore because ‘shore’ is another atmosphere altogether, I guess you it becomes something you love. I sat there with a 104 degree in hospital this week and it became clear to me the beginning of this era, four years ago; and I thought for the first time that if I can see the beginning there has to be, somewhere in some other era an end when it’s over. Being febrile busted my sense of infallibility.

But  I’d kicked and I fought against all the better angels in my head that smacked and rammed their holy fists against the inside of my forehead and whispered ‘Shit’s changed, man.  This is the start of your second life…” And I did that for years into the point I’d taken my own fist and smashed it like a supernova into all the structures that made my life safe and said ‘Fuck it I’m going to throw all the parts of me into space, and if they come back together, so be it.” And I think I threw that first punch into my life because I honestly didn’t think there was anything to recreate, I was just perma-fucked so I might as well be free.

And as these thoughts started to make clear to me that I wasn’t just some body floating through the darkness of my mind’s own space, I started to fele t he weight of the room and the fact that their could be other arms around in me and I wondered if this was what a second life living, and not just searching would be like….

But it’s hazy before the dawn
When it’s so hard to know
It’s so hard to know

And my brain countered, much in the same way that Ra Ra Riot’s remix does here, by soothing those thoughts in my head that, ‘yeah, an end may come to these period; and no, I don’t know if I can handle it when it does; but if I come crashing back down to some form of Earth’ it won’t be from feeling ashamed at being lost, or searching for a resolution, because

I won’t live my life again
Cause I’ve got the only heaven I want.
I’m not fighting for the end
Cause right now we’re better lost than we’re found.

Here’s to being lost all you fellow dark ones. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Follow SPEAK on Soundcloud / Facebook.

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