PHOTO CREDITS// CASSETTE.DE.SILENCE (1, 3, 4) + Crzy_Pnda (2)
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//BENEATH WITH ME///

Kept myself distracted with jazz and booze, two idyllic comforts to a lonely Monday night in West Village. But when the clock strikes midnight, it’s time to return home.

Never waited so patiently in the New York subway. Rode the 110 streets north in silent thought, fairly certain of the course I must take – a course that no longer involves you. I qualify “certain” because I’ve been with you too long to know that my own thoughts can turn on me with a moment’s notice.

Arriving at our apartment, I drag my feet up the steps and stop before the door– the courage of 11pm’s Moscow Mule fading as I turn the key slowly into the lock, wondering if you’re awake waiting for me with Band-Aid words and kisses, or asleep to avoid the look in my eyes. I can’t tell which one I’m hoping for.

I enter in my leather jacket and black pants, an attire unseasonably warm for the start of spring. See you in the doorway, and walk slowly towards you – our eyes lock. My body starts moving in autopilot but this time I try to have courage to initiate, and I put my arms around you to be held in silence.

Say words to comfort me
We still have time for hope
That’s all we need

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//BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOAT//

You pick me up and carry me quietly to the bed, where you lay me down. I always forget how strong your porcelain body is. The penetration of your black-eyed stare tells me you know what’s already in my head.

I know you look the other way
I know you long for something new

Fuck. No I don’t. Let me prove I don’t!

For a moment we just kiss, your mouth warm and familiar, your touch beckons me almost sweetly, and for a moment I’m almost convinced. Until suddenly my hands are abruptly held above my head. Next, they are bound in leather and metal, my heart bound in the chains of my addiction to you.

Heart races, speeds up in time. Senses, fear and adrenaline heighten. I wasn’t expecting this.

So there you’re wasting all your days
Looking for something that is right in front of you.

You are right in front of me, so very much there. Your breath, your smell, even blindfolded your touch and very being is recognizable. The sheets beneath me become a graveyard to my resolution as you take command of my body and mind.
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How are you able to so quickly turn my anger into surrender, my resolve into dissolve? Suddenly I forget about all the reasons I had prepared on that subway to validate why I was going to leave you.

I know that we might be through
but I’ll never let go of you

The smarter voice inside my head diminishes as my body betrays me. Its possessed by you, its no longer my own. You take pleasure from me I didn’t permit my body permission to give.

Your hands move along me too expertly and I hate you for it but I melt into you anyways. Suddenly my feet are bound. I wish I could say the only part of me that is wet are my eyes with tears but deep down, in some fucked up way I know that this is the only pleasure I know how to receive.

Because I am your bloodgoat – and much to everyone’s disbelief, including my own, I sacrificed myself not reluctantly, but willingly.

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